ZERO TO FIVE IN 60 SECONDS
Quick tips for parents of young children
By MARK SULLIVAN, Executive Director, Michigan 4C Association

Q: I am shocked by the way some parents treat their children, but sometimes it seems the only way to get my 4-year old to stop bad behavior is the threat of a good spanking. This makes me feel bad, are there other things I can do instead?

A: A four-year old learns two things from a spanking: First, he learns that whatever he did, he got your attention. Second, he learns from your example that he ought to hit people when they do something he doesn’t like. These are not exactly the lessons you were hoping for, I’ll bet. Here are four "Rs" to follow that might get you out of your dilemma.

Read the child’s cues. Many confrontations can be avoided if you pay close attention to your child’s behavior and see the signs he is already agitated, tired, or uncomfortable for some reason. What may seem like random misbehavior probably has causes you can address, if not solve altogether.

Redirect the behavior. As soon as you see trouble coming, offer an alternative. Even better, offer a choice. A four-year old can likely understand and accept a simple explanation, such as, "I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, because Billy is still taking his turn. You can work with the blocks, or help me with a snack instead. Which will it be?"

Remove the child from the situation, or the toy or object from the child. Just move on to something else or put away the object. Later, when the situation calms down, you may be able to demonstrate how to play with the toy or do the task appropriately. If you can keep the child right at your side for a time while he starts something else - all the better.

Reflect his feelings back to him. Show him you acknowledge and understand the anger or frustration the may have accompanied an incident. It’s good if you can prompt him to express his feelings verbally, but it doesn’t have to become an issue if he doesn’t. When you acknowledge his frustration, you are not waiving the consequences of what he’s done, just recognizing what’s behind it. Complete the communication by stating what’s wrong with the behavior, and an alternative, such as, "I know it’s frustrating when the markers are all dry, but when you throw them on the floor like that, it’s just a mess we have to pick up. Let’s do that now, and then find something else you can work with, like these crayons."

If you do have to give him a "time out" to help both of you calm down, you can usually give him the choice to return to his activities, "only when you are ready to work within the rules." When possible, put the "time out" spot right near you - your presence is likely to have a calming effect.