ZERO TO FIVE IN 60 SECONDS
Quick tips for parents of young children
By MARK SULLIVAN, Executive Director, Michigan 4C Association

Q: My two-and-a-half year-old bit another child at the center where I leave her while her mother and I go to work. How should her caregivers respond, and what should I do?

A: Your concern is valid because biting is thought to be the leading reason toddlers are expelled from child care facilities. While toddlers hit, kick, and pinch, biting is the behavior that strikes fear in the hearts of parents and caregivers.

The fact is that toddlers often express themselves with physical behavior because they haven’t learned how to do manage their impulses, thoughts and actions. A toddler who wants a toy grabs it. At age four or five you can expect words such as, "You’ve had that toy long enough!" even if you don’t hear, "please." But a toddler is more likely to just go for the toy. The bite might come as a reaction to the grab, or a counter-reaction when the holder of the toy refuses to let go.

Compounding the problem is the fact that two- and three-year olds are not able to put someone else’s needs before their own or to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. This dilemma can make parents and caregivers feel powerless, but it doesn’t justify a physical attack such as spraying mouthwash into an offender’s mouth or biting the child back. There are better approaches, and you ought to discuss them with your caregiver.

Caregivers should intervene quickly in toddler conflicts. Their role is to coach the children. Quickly but calmly separate the two toddlers past arm’s length to prevent further injury. This provides a chance for a teaching moment. The goal is to stop the biting by helping the children resolve the problems that triggered the biting. This means calmly describing the situation, identifying each child’s feelings, and coaching them to a successful outcome. Eventually, toddlers begin to develop strategies for managing their impulsive behavior and for negotiating peer conflicts. Adult coaching is essential. It’s too much to ask two-year olds to "work things out themselves" without a caring adult’s guidance.

Rules, routines, and structured programs provide an environment that is predictable for toddlers. This helps them feel safe and reduces classroom stress. Interesting activities keep children engaged in their own play. Child care providers should offer a well-structured program that minimizes conflicts; however, peer conflicts are inevitable and expected. When toddlers have conflicts with peers and act impulsively and bite, we need to grab this reachable moment and use it as a teachable moment. Toddlers need our guidance as they develop social skills just as they need our guidance to learn how to build with blocks or play with puzzles.