ZERO TO FIVE IN 60 SECONDS
Quick tips for parents of young children
By MARK SULLIVAN, Executive Director, Michigan 4C Association

Q: My five-year-old child has sitcom-quality timing when I pick up the phone to answer or make a call. As soon as I connect - she interrupts. How do I stop it?

A: There are two conflicting ways to explain this behavior, and both may be factors at different times. On one hand there are situations where a child is unconsciously attempting to manipulate a greater share of your attention. The phone is competition for that, and each ring is demanding immediate attention. When it rings, your focus changes, and probably without thinking about it much, she will start testing strategies to get your focus back.

The alternative explanation is that many of us treat a conversation on the phone as a "secondary" activity while we are also doing something else such as household chores, supervising children, or even holding another conversation in person. If we, as caregivers don’t respect our own conversations on the phone, we can’t expect our children to.

In either case, the solution is to address the situation with preparation and practice. Although we might be tempted to try to "sneak away" for a conversation, a direct approach is probably better. By age five, most children should be comfortable with the idea of taking turns and growing their patience, and telephone calls are a good way to practice that.

When you place a phone call, prepare the child by telling her your plan and seeing that her immediate needs are met. Confirm that and announce your intentions with a statement such as, "Now that you are all set up with that puzzle, I’m going to use the phone for a few minutes. When I’m done, I’ll check with you to see what you are ready to do next."

You can expect your child to test you on this, and when she interrupts you can remind her of the plan - you get time to make your call, then she gets attention when you are done. Making that deal in advance is always easier than trying to negotiate it while you have someone on the other end of the line.

When the phone rings, treat your child as you would an adult, by excusing yourself before you answer. If you are deeply engaged in an activity, you might even let the phone ring. An answering machine or voicemail might be a good investment to help maintain your relationship with your child. Even if you do answer you may still choose not to take the call, because it is interrupting an activity you were sharing with your child. It may be that your caller should "wait her turn," rather than your child. If you must take the call, take a moment first to confirm your child is OK, then go back to the call. You are modeling the courtesy you expect from your child.